Monday, 19 July 2021

Originally posted in MM's Skit Comp 18.7.21. On the BCG website ROME


COLINUS: (STANDING, EXCITEDLY HOLDING THE WOODEN BARS) Wow! Look at that has another house on top of it!

MAXIMUS: (SEATED) So you keep saying, just wait until we get into central Rome.

COLINUS: Well it can't be any better than this. Look there!

MAXIMUS: Don't tell me, another house on top of a house?

COLINUS: No, a house on top of a house...with a huge pair of brightly painted breasts hanging from the top house.

MAXIMUS: That would be a brothel.

FELIX: (LAYING ON HIS BACK) That my blue faced friend is where your mother was born.

COLINUS: Really? Can we stop? I know so little about my mother.

MAXIMUS: Maybe after we have been to see the Lions.

COLINUS: I am so excited to see the Lions,

FELIX: To see the Lions?

MAXIMUS: Leave him alone Felix.

FELIX: (JUMPIMG UP) I don't have to take orders from you Maximus. We are all prisoners on the same journey, to the same end.

MAXIMUS: Look Colinus, over there a house with two houses on top.

COLINUS: Where, where?

MAXIMUS: (TO FELIX) Leave him alone Felix. We have travelled all the way from Britain together and I have use of him.

FELIX: And you have not stopped moaning since I got in at Gaul. Well, if you have a plan you had better get a move on, the Lions are expecting us for dinner tomorrow.

COLINUS: Lions, I can't wait to meet the Lions.

FELIX: And I am sure they are licking their lips in anticipation of meeting you. What is your name my friend

COLINUS: My roman name is Colinus.

FELIX: Let me guess was your Britannic name, Colin?

COLINUS: What an age we live in. Buildings that reach well above my head height and shabby old soldiers who can read my mind. Do you know what Maximus means?

MAXIMUS: Felix isn't interested in my Name Colinus.

FELIX: On the contrary Maximus.

COLINUS: It means 'The greatest'

FELIX: Does it? That's great isn't it. But did you know his Family name is Frugi, which means bowl of fruits. So, he is...'the greatest bowl of fruits'.

MAXIMUS: And Felix means 'Lucky'. Which is funny because he doesn't look lucky!

FELIX: You were pretty lucky, surviving the decimation of the Ninth. I was there and I saw you drop your sword and helmet and run for the hills.

MAXIMUS: ...I had a touch of dysentery. I had to get to the latrines pretty quick. Anyway, I remember someone who looked a bit like you running past me!

 FELIX: As soon as you set off everyone stood dumfounded. No one had ever seen that before. So I thought, that's lucky, shouted "I'll get him!" and took off after you.

MAXIMUS: Where did they catch you?

FELIX: Gaul, I was making my way back to Rome, to get to the Wife and Kids, and got recognised in a bar.

MAXIMAS: Going back to the Wife and kids was never an option.

FELIX: I wasn't going to stop with them, they owe me money. What about you?

MAXIMUS: The kid found me hiding in his sewage pit and took me in. Then the soldiers found me when they came to look for the Ninth.

FELIX: And they took Colinus for sheltering you?

MAXIMUS: No, they weren't interested in him but he insisted on coming with me to see Rome.

FELIX: Wow he is as sharp as overcooked Asparagus. So what is your plan?

COLINUS: What does Colin mean?

FELIX: It means your parents had no imagination.

COLINUS: I am learning so much about my parents.

FELIX: I can help, what do you need me to do?

MAXIMUS: Well, I will need someone to lead the cheering and clapping.

COLINUS: Maximus?

FELIX: Just a minute Colinus.

MAXIMUS: Tomorrow in the Coliseum in front of thousands of witnesses, we will perform a Bonafide miracle. The crowd will, once they are encouraged...

FELIX: Encouraged? That's me! I can do encouraged!

COLINUS: Maximus?

FELIX: Hang on Colin.

MAXIMUS: Once they are encouraged, they will demand the consul pardons us. He will have no choice

FELIX: By the Gods it might work. What is this miracle?

MAXIMUS: Meet The mighty Colinus Slayer of Lions...with just his bare hands!

FELIX: He does what?

COLINUS: What's that animal painted on all the walls?

MAXIMUS: He catches the Lions by the mouth, and then forces their mouths open until the jaw breaks. Killing the beast immediately.

FELIX: And he has actually done this?

MAXIMUS: Several times...What animal Colinus?

COLINUS: That one there, eating a child.

MAXIMUS: That is not a child. It is a gladiator being eaten by a Lion.

COLINUS: That's a funny looking Lion.

FELIX: Maximus, you do know Lions aren't indigenous to Britannia? How big were the Lions you killed Colinus?

COLINUS: Well the tabby's were not very big, but the ginger ones were nearly up to my knees.

MAXIMUS: Oh, Jupiter's Beard. I'm Fucked.

FELIX: Back to plan A for me then. Keep just ahead of you two until you are picked off. Then hope the only Lion left hungry is older than me. Then try and keep out of his reach until he has a heart attack, or the crowd get bored. And just hope the bastards don't throw a cheetah on,


Sunday, 14 February 2021