Monday, 19 July 2021

Originally posted in MM's Skit Comp 18.7.21. On the BCG website ROME


COLINUS: (STANDING, EXCITEDLY HOLDING THE WOODEN BARS) Wow! Look at that has another house on top of it!

MAXIMUS: (SEATED) So you keep saying, just wait until we get into central Rome.

COLINUS: Well it can't be any better than this. Look there!

MAXIMUS: Don't tell me, another house on top of a house?

COLINUS: No, a house on top of a house...with a huge pair of brightly painted breasts hanging from the top house.

MAXIMUS: That would be a brothel.

FELIX: (LAYING ON HIS BACK) That my blue faced friend is where your mother was born.

COLINUS: Really? Can we stop? I know so little about my mother.

MAXIMUS: Maybe after we have been to see the Lions.

COLINUS: I am so excited to see the Lions,

FELIX: To see the Lions?

MAXIMUS: Leave him alone Felix.

FELIX: (JUMPIMG UP) I don't have to take orders from you Maximus. We are all prisoners on the same journey, to the same end.

MAXIMUS: Look Colinus, over there a house with two houses on top.

COLINUS: Where, where?

MAXIMUS: (TO FELIX) Leave him alone Felix. We have travelled all the way from Britain together and I have use of him.

FELIX: And you have not stopped moaning since I got in at Gaul. Well, if you have a plan you had better get a move on, the Lions are expecting us for dinner tomorrow.

COLINUS: Lions, I can't wait to meet the Lions.

FELIX: And I am sure they are licking their lips in anticipation of meeting you. What is your name my friend

COLINUS: My roman name is Colinus.

FELIX: Let me guess was your Britannic name, Colin?

COLINUS: What an age we live in. Buildings that reach well above my head height and shabby old soldiers who can read my mind. Do you know what Maximus means?

MAXIMUS: Felix isn't interested in my Name Colinus.

FELIX: On the contrary Maximus.

COLINUS: It means 'The greatest'

FELIX: Does it? That's great isn't it. But did you know his Family name is Frugi, which means bowl of fruits. So, he is...'the greatest bowl of fruits'.

MAXIMUS: And Felix means 'Lucky'. Which is funny because he doesn't look lucky!

FELIX: You were pretty lucky, surviving the decimation of the Ninth. I was there and I saw you drop your sword and helmet and run for the hills.

MAXIMUS: ...I had a touch of dysentery. I had to get to the latrines pretty quick. Anyway, I remember someone who looked a bit like you running past me!

 FELIX: As soon as you set off everyone stood dumfounded. No one had ever seen that before. So I thought, that's lucky, shouted "I'll get him!" and took off after you.

MAXIMUS: Where did they catch you?

FELIX: Gaul, I was making my way back to Rome, to get to the Wife and Kids, and got recognised in a bar.

MAXIMAS: Going back to the Wife and kids was never an option.

FELIX: I wasn't going to stop with them, they owe me money. What about you?

MAXIMUS: The kid found me hiding in his sewage pit and took me in. Then the soldiers found me when they came to look for the Ninth.

FELIX: And they took Colinus for sheltering you?

MAXIMUS: No, they weren't interested in him but he insisted on coming with me to see Rome.

FELIX: Wow he is as sharp as overcooked Asparagus. So what is your plan?

COLINUS: What does Colin mean?

FELIX: It means your parents had no imagination.

COLINUS: I am learning so much about my parents.

FELIX: I can help, what do you need me to do?

MAXIMUS: Well, I will need someone to lead the cheering and clapping.

COLINUS: Maximus?

FELIX: Just a minute Colinus.

MAXIMUS: Tomorrow in the Coliseum in front of thousands of witnesses, we will perform a Bonafide miracle. The crowd will, once they are encouraged...

FELIX: Encouraged? That's me! I can do encouraged!

COLINUS: Maximus?

FELIX: Hang on Colin.

MAXIMUS: Once they are encouraged, they will demand the consul pardons us. He will have no choice

FELIX: By the Gods it might work. What is this miracle?

MAXIMUS: Meet The mighty Colinus Slayer of Lions...with just his bare hands!

FELIX: He does what?

COLINUS: What's that animal painted on all the walls?

MAXIMUS: He catches the Lions by the mouth, and then forces their mouths open until the jaw breaks. Killing the beast immediately.

FELIX: And he has actually done this?

MAXIMUS: Several times...What animal Colinus?

COLINUS: That one there, eating a child.

MAXIMUS: That is not a child. It is a gladiator being eaten by a Lion.

COLINUS: That's a funny looking Lion.

FELIX: Maximus, you do know Lions aren't indigenous to Britannia? How big were the Lions you killed Colinus?

COLINUS: Well the tabby's were not very big, but the ginger ones were nearly up to my knees.

MAXIMUS: Oh, Jupiter's Beard. I'm Fucked.

FELIX: Back to plan A for me then. Keep just ahead of you two until you are picked off. Then hope the only Lion left hungry is older than me. Then try and keep out of his reach until he has a heart attack, or the crowd get bored. And just hope the bastards don't throw a cheetah on,


Sunday, 14 February 2021


Tuesday, 5 February 2019

Missing, please help…


A missing persons appeal has been put out by the NFL for the LA Rams offensive team. They were expected to put in an appearance on Sunday at the Super Bowl* event held in the Mercedes-Benz Stadium in Atlanta but failed to show up. This incident follows on from the mysterious season long disappearance of the Ram’s fan base. The disappearance of the offensive team was not noticed at first, even by The Ram’s 12 year old head coach Sean McVay. “I think like most people watching the game I must have lost interest and had a little nap” McVay told his Mom, adding “It was only later - when Jared Goff was talking down to me and he said there was just no one to pass to - that I realized the offensive team had not shown up at all.”
Roger Goodell lying yesterday

 NFL spokesliar Roger Goodell said, “initially we thought all the offensive players had turned up wearing ‘cloaks of invisibility’ like the one worn by Nickell Robey-Coleman in the Saints game.       then we remembered that invisibility cloaks were made up and didn’t actually exist.”  He went on to say he hoped the missing offense could be found soon as the LA Rams fans (both of them)

were looking forward to watching them in the quiet of The Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum in the new season.

*The ‘Super bowl’ is a money printing machine owned by the NFL and is neither ‘Super’ or a ‘bowl’.


Tuesday, 29 January 2019

Not quite so 'super' bowl

Still    #UnmissableCall

1. It is a strange and spurious argument put forward on behalf of the NFL by Joseph Sinclare in his affidavit that the heavy potential cost to the NFL of any remedy should trump any attempt at attaining Justice for the plaintiffs. This could easily be seen as an attempt by a hugely powerful corporation to intimidate the plaintiffs, their council and even the court. Indeed if money is so important to the NFL’s thinking what actions are they willing to take to mitigate the financial loss to the plaintiffs, the Saint’s, and the City of New Orleans caused by Roger Goodell’s inaction?


2. It beggars belief that Roger Goodell and the NFL go into hiding, make no comment, take no action and give no details of any ‘investigation’ being undertaken for several days and then have the nerve to complain that there is no time to address any possible remedy prior to the Superbowl. It is not reasonable to create a time constraint problem yourself, then complain about that self-same problem.


3. Prior to the game were the referees instructed by officers of the NFL to apply a higher standard of foul play before throwing a flag?  It has been suggested that this might have occurred in an honest attempt to keep the game flowing and possibly, ironically, to try and prevent the officials from being involved in any potentially controversial game changing decisions. If the referees were so instructed this could explain the obvious confusion in their minds, conflicted by the extra pressure they failed to call the unmissable double foul. Has Roger Goodell investigated this scenario? Was he aware of, or even complicit in, any such interference taking place?


4. Prior to the game Rams fans were very vocal in their opposition to the appointment of Bill Vinovich and his team as referees for this important game - pointing out 8 losses when Bill and his men had previously officiated. They even organised a petition to have him removed. Did this hostile outpouring have any effect on the referee’s performance? Did they feel under any extra pressure leading to not calling such an important foul against the Ram’s at such a critical point in the game? Has Roger Goodell asked this question?  


5. I assume commissioner Roger Goodell watched the game (on TV). Did he see what everyone else saw – that the missed PI call was clearly unmissable, that crucially, something more than poor judgement had just been witnessed by millions around the world. Did it occur to him that he could immediately exercise his authority to intervene and reverse the dubious call, or order the play to be reset? Did he not subsequently consider doing this at full time, whilst both teams were still on the field? When this horrible calamity could have been undone at no cost and with little or no damage to the NFL’s reputation. Has Roger Goodell asked himself this question?   

Friday, 25 January 2019

The New Orleans Saints were denied a chance at Super Bowl glory by one of the worst officiating decisions in football history.
“It’s a judgment call by the officials. I personally have not seen the play,” referee Bill Vinovich said after the blatant pass interference seen around the globe.

 Firstly, this was not a judgement call – it was an ‘unmissable call’ and I strongly suggest it should only be described as such.

Everybody who saw this incident in real time could easily see it was clear, intentional and obvious. Calling it a ‘missed call’ or ‘blown call’ only serves to trivialise it and does not begin to do it justice. It was in truth ‘Unmissable’ and the fact it was apparently ‘missed’ by two experienced referees who were looking right at it raises serious questions that demand answers. Were the referees subject to outside influence or had they been pre-instructed not to flag on any late, potentially game changing, moments? Both these experienced referees knowingly, materially influenced the outcome of the game and someone needs to find out why.

The timing of the deliberate (as admitted) collision so far in advance of the football arriving, combined with the proximity and unobscured view of the two referees, means one must question why both the referees decided independently not to throw their flags. Add this to the two contradictory and indefensible explanations for no flags given at the time – “The ball was tipped” (it wasn't) and “the ball and player arrived at the same time” (they didn't) – and one can only draw the conclusion that this game changing incident has more to it than meets the eye and demands to at least be the subject of a proper investigation.

New Orleans lawyer files lawsuit against NFL & Commissioner.

Sole discretion also means sole responsibility. There is a clear ‘duty of care’ obligation on the commissioner to maintain the integrity of the NFL as a business. At the very least he must be seen to be asking the relevant questions of the key individuals, or risk being accused of bringing the game into disrepute.

This issue needs to be addressed now, otherwise the ‘#Unmissablecall’ scandal will make the Superbowl missable for millions of disillusioned fans.

Sunday, 5 April 2015

Announcing a new business venture...
Like all the best ideas this one is very simple.

It’s luxury bubble bath. But not just luxury bubble bath. We are going to use luxury bubble bath to raise money for good causes, lots of money.

Our business is a ‘not for profit’ called –

‘Take a bath with’
As in ‘Take a bath with David Beckham’ or ‘Take a bath with Cheryl’.

We would also market a range of luxury shower gels under the name of-

‘Take a shower with’
As in ‘take a shower with One Direction’ or ‘Take a shower with Scarlett Johansson’.

Of course being a pre start-up we don’t have any of the people mentioned above signed up…well not yet anyway.

The power of celebrity is a modern phenomenon, and one we intend to leaver for the greater good by giving the thousands or even millions of passionate celebrity fans a unique opportunity to connect with their idols.

Our celebrities would personalise their products by choose the key ingredients and colour of the bath or shower product that will bear their name, from a range of ethically sourced and environmentally sound ingredients. In return a ring fenced amount from the sale price of each item would go to the charity or charities of their choice. Most celebrities already publically support a wide range of charities and some have very personal reasons to support particular charities that are close to their hearts and that could benefit substantially. Celebrities win, fans win and best of all charities win.

This concept would not be limited to the UK, after a successful launch here we would look to repeat the model in other countries, either by setting up subsidiaries or partnering with local suppliers. This idea works anywhere that has celebrities, fans and running water!   

This products publicity would absolutely write itself. The media would fall over themselves to talk about or publish a photo of a celebrity in a bubble bath! And you can just see Johnathon Ross putting a bottle of ‘Take a bath with Cheryl’ on his desk when interviewing her.

Our products would be available as a single item or packaged with other items such as candles into presentation boxes and so perfectly fit the birthday or Xmas present market.

I know I am looking forward to getting my bottle of ‘Take a bath with Kylie’ for my birthday...

 We are entering this project into Richard Branson's 'Pitch To Rich' competition so please visit -
and vote for 'Take a bath with' before 5th May 2015

No one knows better than Sir Richard the power of celebrity and I am sure he would fully appreciate the benefits that ‘Virgin Group’ could derive by association with ‘Take a bath with’ as a key Sponsor.  

PLEASE vote for ‘Take a bath with’ in the Pitch to rich challenge and help get this project off the ground.

 Thanks for reading